Daisy Razors

2004-04-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

DaN muZicMAn: sorry i forgot we were talking i am so drun
Slybeam99: haha, go to bed
DaN muZicMAn: i went to school and went out to the club u?
DaN muZicMAn: i am to wired to go to bed tell me a story, lol i wil go to bed
Slybeam99: there was once a little bunny named jack
DaN muZicMAn: yeah!!!!!
Slybeam99: and he had big pink floppy ears
Slybeam99: and big pink floppy feet
Slybeam99: and a little cottony white tail
DaN muZicMAn: awwwwww
Slybeam99: and he hopped around all day and ate grass
Slybeam99: one day he met suzie the lady bug
DaN muZicMAn: did he eat it
Slybeam99: and suzie said she had lost her little blue slippers
Slybeam99: no!!!! no violence!!!
DaN muZicMAn: no violince, sex?
Slybeam99: no!
Slybeam99: since jack is such a kind bunny, he told suzie that he would help her find her blue slippers
she said they were very small, with little white pearls on the end of each pointed toe
Slybeam99: since jack was a big bunny, he used his big pink floppy feet to dig a hole to china
Slybeam99: and when they popped out the other end, there was a little chinese man
Slybeam99: and suzie said "excuse me chinese man, have you seen my blue slippers?"
Slybeam99: and the chinese said "WING WANG BONG CHONG"
Slybeam99: and suzie said "i guess they arent here"
Slybeam99: so they dug west, and came out in russia
Slybeam99: and suzie asked the russian man if he had seen her blue slippers
Slybeam99: and the russian man said "MALCH CRUZX DZ MICH VALUX"
Slybeam99: suzie was tired of digging, so they went home
DaN muZicMAn: lol this is such a racist and sterotyping story
Slybeam99: and when they got home, suzie's slippers were sitting on her doorstep
Slybeam99: "oh my!" she said "I must have left them here so i wouldnt get them dirty"
Slybeam99: but poor jack, since he did all the digging, was now a brown bunny
Slybeam99: the end
DaN muZicMAn: that story made no sences what was themoral
Slybeam99: the moral is, DONT DIG TO CHINA!
DaN muZicMAn: dig to russia
Slybeam99: and dont come home drunk or i'll tell your pointless stories!
Slybeam99: lol
DaN muZicMAn: LOL you rcrazy, on another story but with more sex in t, lo
DaN muZicMAn: :-D
Slybeam99: okay
DaN muZicMAn: nght hun
Slybeam99: haha night
DaN muZicMAn signed off at 1:33:24 AM.

2004-04-14T02:00:00.000-07:00

I'm watching MTV Video Clash, and Caroline is not the reason for the word witch.
CAROLINE IS THE REASON FOR THE WORD BITCH!

This is why I hate MTV.

2004-04-14T01:12:00.000-07:00

Cat7: go to sleep
Slybeam99: uhh nope
Cat7: why not?
Cat7: you have school tomorrow!
Slybeam99: So? you arent my mother
Cat7: well, I COULD be!
Slybeam99: actually, no
Cat7: if I were a woman, about 25 years older...YEAH!
Cat7: it's possible
Cat7: remotely
Cat7: right?
Slybeam99: well you arent a woman
Cat7: oh yeah
Slybeam99: and you arent 25 years older
Cat7: how can you be so sure?
Slybeam99: maybe you are both of those things, i dont fucking care
Slybeam99: but i know you arent MY mother
Cat7: I'm sorry
Slybeam99: because MY mother is asleep in the next room

Why do people want to argue with me about stupid shit? Okay wait, I know for a fact that you aren't my mother, because my mother is asleep in the other room AND she cant even turn on a computer! So don't fucking harass me because I've had an odd day! I've had a fucking odd existance! And people like this make me want to drown myself in the Ohio river, and seeing as the Ohio river is disgusting and dirty, that makes me sound pretty desperate, doesnt it?

And why is everybody always telling me to go to sleep??? DOESNT ANYBODY UNDERSTAND THAT I CANT SLEEP! I SUFFER FROM A THING CALLED INSOMNIA! ITS FUN AT NIGHT! THE WORLD IS QUIET AND MY SKULL DOESNT ACHE!

2004-04-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

"Has my heart loved 'till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw a true beauty 'till this night."
- Romeo

Because nothing I do is ever fucking good enough.

2004-04-05T00:59:00.000-07:00

Engagement rings make me want cry.

2004-03-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

I should have never even gotten out of bed today.

2004-03-09T20:20:00.000-08:00

I feel so preeetty! Oh SO PRETTY!!!

Actually I feel sorta confused. Why do we type blogger.com to update a blog hosted on blogspot? Then again if you type blogspot.com, it takes you to blogger.com. Creepy redirecting thingy-doobers. I need to lead a simple life, where you type in one address and your site is hosted on that address. None of this redirecting "got you this time" crap.

Anyway, we graduate in like two months and im super psyched. I can't wait to get out of highschool and into college. While im sure the overall experience won't be THAT different (seeing as I'm staying at USI, I'll have the comfort of my own home), I'm also sure that I'll be meeting tons of super neat people who are just as cracked out and as worthless as I am.

That's an exciting feeling.

2004-03-03T20:03:00.000-08:00

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:	Dork
Your Favorite Band/Song	Evanescence - My Immortal
You Like To Read:	Fiction novels
You Firmly Believe In:	Free love
Everyone Thinks You Are:	A sleazy prostitute
You Were Conceived:	By immaculate conception
You Will Marry:	A porn star

Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

What, I'm not a sleazy prostitute?

2004-02-22T22:49:00.000-08:00

God, I fucking HATE coming home. This house is bullshit and this family is bullshit. Let's face it, I pretty much only talk to my parents when I need money. It isnt because Im selfish or hateful, its just because we have NOTHING to talk about.
My parents are the most vacant mother fuckers I've ever met in my life. My mom ADMITTED to me the other day that she wasnt listening to me
She wasnt even attempting to listen to me!!! And its not like we were having an important conversation or anything. We were out shopping, and she admitted that she was completely blocking me out. WHY??? I'd hate to see what she hears when she actually WANTS to ignore me.

Dense mother fucking idiots! I need a fucking job so I can just leave.
LEAVE I TELL YOU!

2004-02-16T19:50:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day was more of a success than last year. We woke up together on valentine's day and he gave me presents! Hah, super improvement! He had his step mom bring me back some jewelry from St Thomas, so I got a new necklace, a new bracellet, and a new ring. He also gave me a blue rose. Goofy things I know, but I nearly cried because I'm not used to getting presents from him. He also gave me this little canvas bag that changes color in the sun, so we ran outside together, hand in hand, and opened it outside.

"ooohhh!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!"
Then we went to Home Depot. bahaha..

2004-02-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

So I'm still without a car, after TWO MONTHS.
Thats right, TWO MONTHS.
Sad stuff. Anyway, I've been spending lots of time sleeping and laying around, so the opportunity rose to fix up Molly's blog for her, so here it is, in all of it's blog glory:
Pirate The Spoon

2004-02-02T00:11:00.000-08:00

A weekend spent dabbling in the paranormal was a weekend well spent.

I've always believed in ghosts and the metaphysical realm, but after spending two hours talking to "STEVQN," I'm afraid to die.

He was 39, died next door, and had an important message to tell us.

No Zaza

"No God"

2004-01-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

What the FUCK did you just say to me?

2004-01-06T16:08:00.000-08:00

Gamecube, will you marry me?

2003-12-16T19:33:00.000-08:00

XTC - Dear God

Dear God, hope you got the letter, and...
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer
but all the people that you made in your image, see
them starving on their feet 'cause they don't get
enough to eat from God, I can't believe in you

Dear God, sorry to disturb you, but... I feel that I should be heard
loud and clear. We all need a big reduction in amount of tears
and all the people that you made in your image, see them fighting
in the street 'cause they can't make opinions meet about God,
I can't believe in you

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue? Did you make
mankind after we made you? And the devil too!, don't know if you noticed, but... your name is on
a lot of quotes in this book, and us crazy humans wrote it, you
should take a look, and all the people that you made in your
image still believing that junk is true. Well I know it ain't, and
so do you, dear God, I can't believe in I don't believe in

I won't believe in heaven and hell. No saints, no sinners, no
devil as well. No pearly gates, no thorny crown. You're always
letting us humans down. The wars you bring, the babes you
drown. Those lost at sea and never found, and it's the same the
whole world 'round. The hurt I see helps to compound that
Father, Son and Holy Ghost is just somebody's unholy hoax,
and if you're up there you'd perceive that my heart's here upon
my sleeve. If there's one thing I don't believe in

it's you....

2003-12-14T21:40:00.000-08:00

For 12 years, my brother and I have suffered terrible periods of depression, alone.
Until today, we had never realized that we were so alike. He confirmed the thoughts that I had always wondered.

When I told people about my childhood, I told them that my mom was never home and there was never any food in the house. That's why I learned to cook when I was eight and that's why I was doing my own laundry by the time I was ten. I had always felt like I exaggerated this point, that maybe there was food in the house but its just that my brain couldn't remember there being any. He told me today though, that our kitchen was a barren place growing up. Mom spent her money on stupid shit we never needed, and still continues to do so.

I need to remove myself from this environment as soon as possible. It's affecting me and causing actual physical harm to my exhausted body. However, my brother told me that he thought his problems would disappear if he didn't acknowledge their existence, but they didn't disappear. He and I are so alike, but I fear I am heading down his path.

Today we discussed motivation and the role that depression has played in our educational and social lives. We were both straight A students until about 8th grade, when we gave up. Then we meddled a little in drugs and theivery, and we've both basically ended up on dead in roads. However, this is the way we want it. We desire nothing more from life. We don't want riches, we don't want fame, we don't want material possessions.

We just want to be happy, and to be left the fuck alone.

2003-12-02T21:11:00.000-08:00

Do you know what's funny?
A turtle in front of a space heater.

Do you know what else is funny?
Eyebrow wax.

I care not to elaborate, however it's always open for discussion if you so inquire.

2003-12-01T21:42:00.000-08:00

Live - Lightening Crashes

Ever have one of those songs, that when you listen to it, you can feel your heart relax? You can feel all the stress and sadness be stripped from your soul, and suddenly you're empowered.
This song is one of those.

2003-12-01T17:27:00.000-08:00

When has posting a nasty comment on your blog about someone ever solved anything?
I mean seriously.
I'm not talking about anyone in particular, but I was just sitting here reflecting on some conversations I've heard, most of which involved the Kensington/Cara/John/Dusty thing, which I can't remember exactly who was involved, but yeah.
And look at how we all fought, and over what?
I don't even really remember.
Maybe because I wasnt actually in the fight, but yeah.

Life would be so much easier if we didn't bicker though.

2003-11-25T21:12:00.000-08:00

I love John, Kara, Chrissi, Tyler, Lisa, Ashley, and Harmony. These people made my day so special.
Thank you.

Oh yeah, and that Josh guy. I love him too but its only because we're both unstable.

Again, thank you for your love and your hugs.
And especially for your disco CDs.

2003-11-23T21:03:00.000-08:00

I'm paranoid, obsessed, and socially incompetent.
I'm searching for something I'll never find, because the grass is never greener on the other side.
My mask fell off.
I'm heartbroken, mislead, naive and confused.
I had an anxiety attack while alone in the shower. I passed out and when i woke up, my vision had gone red. Rose colored glasses.
An anxiety attack.
Who was i afraid of but myself?

2003-11-20T22:21:00.000-08:00

I just bought a $350 dress...
For $40.

Damn I'm good.

2003-11-19T21:20:00.000-08:00

I don't want help, I want salvation.

2003-11-18T00:20:00.000-08:00

You drown these empty minutes in cigarettes and cheap wine.
Puff after puff, the memories vanish.
Poof.
Who are you again?
The same person you left, so many years ago.
You forgot her in the shadows.
She was your innocence.

Now selfishness and greed have corrupted your fragile soul.
He never loved you.
How could he? He never loved your mother.
He especially never loved your brother.
Or his other two kids.
He only loved the whores.

Puff, puff, puff...
You suck the nicotine down into your empty gut.
You're ruining your lungs, but who cares, your life is ruined anyway.
All paths are blocked off.
Detour to nowhere.

Feeling heavy and empty now, nothing matters.
The thousands of dollars he owes your family doesn't matter.
The fact that he was in town and didn't call doesn't matter.
The fact that he lied under oath doesn't matter.
All that matters is the saturation of your brain.
The slow, dull, ache of reality.

You will never be anything.
They will never let you grow.

2003-11-16T20:17:00.000-08:00

I went to Josh's friday night. I stepped into the garage, and he was laying down in the barber chair, with his hands together, palms flat, facing the ceiling. All the lights were off except the black lights and Pink Floyd was playing gently in the background. I walked in and ask very softly "Josh? Josh are you ok?"
And without moving, he responded "yes."
"Are you sure? Do you want me to leave you alone?"
He started laughing, and he said "What do you think could be wrong?"
And I said "Well maybe you were high on something weird?"
He laughed again, and said "How could chilling out to Pink Floyd be a bad thing?"
He told me to sit down, and then he told me how he had been thinking about me all day, and how he had been thinking about how much I meant to him.
I gave him that face that shows i was truely touched, which is usually followed by bawling at the beauty of it all.
And he said "But dont start crying now." He knew I was going to, so we both laughed instead.
We went inside, and every candle he owned was lit in the basement. At least 25 of them, all around the ledge. I changed out of my singer's outfit, and we sat on the couch in the candle light, and ate chips and salsa in our underwear.

I am so lucky to have him. Special moments like these make you realize how lucky you really are. He had spent all day cleaning up for me, and he was wearing a nice sweater and my favorite colonge. He wanted to surprise me so badly, and had been planning it since thursday. Simple things like these make our relationship stronger. They make us better friends, and better lovers. They also make us better people. Everybody deserves somebody who pays attention to them, who takes the effort to make them feel appreciated, loved, and ultimately cared for. Love makes the world go round.

2003-11-05T23:26:00.000-08:00

When i looked over at the end of Finding Nemo, Josh was crying.
We laughed, we cried, and then we poked fun at the boyfriend.

2003-11-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

So Chrissi and i were stranded on the side of HWY 41 for two and a half hours today. We were about 30 miles from home, two miles north of Princeton, and it just seemed like nobody was in a helpful mood today except Chrissi's father. And god bless the man, because i really owe him one. Josh's truck wouldnt have made it up to where we were, but part of me wanted to scream at him to borrow somebody else's car. This is your chance to be my knight in shining armor! But, he didnt, so yeah.
Today was also a day when i realized how completely useless my parents are as human beings. They wouldnt come get me because they were out to dinner, and its not as if they were at an expensive resturaunt. They were at a fucking chinese buffet. How fat and lazy do you need to be? My mom was mad because i was interrupting their dinner out. They just really dont fucking care about me. And then i came home, and i was embarrassed to bring Chrissi into my house, because its just such a fucking mess. This house makes me so depressed i want to die. My mom tries to make up excuses as to why the house is so messy. She comes in the bathroom today and she goes "I think i have OCDC" and i said "You mean OCD?" and she was like "yeah! thats it!" so i just shook my head at her, and i was like "Why on earth do you think you have that?" and she goes "Well im watching this medical journal show, and this woman that has OCD cant throw anything away. Shes just a huge packrat! i think that's my problem" and i said "mom, you arent a packrat, you're just messy" and she said "Well i think you're wrong" and i said "well I think you're dumb" and went back to putting on my makeup.
And also, this entire grandpa suicide thing, they try to use that as an excuse as to why my mom is so messed up. I mean sure something like that would mess you up, but lets face it kids, mom has been messed up YEARS before this happened, and she's just gradually getting worse. It gets to the point now that she doesnt even try to do anything about it. She just sits around and whines, and there's nothing i despise more than somebody who just sits around and whines about things that they could potentially change. Like she whines about her weight, and about how messy her house is. She doesnt whine about how in debt we are, or how she forgets everything or even how she bought the shittiest car in the world (which she did, she spent like 18,000 on a Ford Escape when she could have had an excellent Camry for that price. I'd rather sell my kidneys than drive another Ford). These are all things she can help, but doesnt. Our spare bedroom was recently empty and remodeled, and instead of using things from around the house to fill it, she just bought all new shit for it, so now we just have a huge mass of SHIT, and i mean SHIT that sits around that she hasnt even taken out of the fucking boxes yet. Its becoming rediculous!!!!!! She wants to remodel the house and she cant even keep it clean as it is! How about she learn some basic cleanliness rules and then worry about the color of her fucking walls.
And yeah, supposedly we're 25,000 in debt because my dad stopped paying child support, and supposedly since we're so in debt my parents cant help me out with collge much, but i guess since they cant help me with college and we're 25k in the hole, its alright to go out and buy new leather couches imported from Africa, a new dining room table set (when we never even eat in the dining room to begin with. I dont think ive seen the actual table in years. its always piled high with papers and other bullshit), and a new bedroom suite when the furniture they have now is FINE! the furniture we had was ABSOLUTELY FINE!!! And dave tried to explain to me that we have a lifestyle to maintain, and thats when i realized that they are so cheap and so fake and i hate them and everything that they stand for. I want to be the opposite of them. I WANT to live in a trailor and be a stripper and get drunk every weekend, as long as I know that im actually living life and being real about it. I dont want to EVER feel like i have to "maintain a lifestyle." What the fuck does that mean? We have to have material things to make us happy? We have to rely on the status of our 71 inch television to fill our empty souls? And yes by the way, we do have a 71 inch television, which im sure helps the debt situation by about $4,000. They're idiotic, they're fake, and most of all they're dumb. They're trying to get out of allowing me to go to college so that they can maintain their lifestyle. Sometimes i wish they would just leave and not tell me (like they always do) but never come back. I dont want them to die, but i want to have a reason to hate them as i do. I wish they'd just abandon me and put me out of my misery so that I could live with who i choose and live with people that actually love and appreciate me and dont just see me as a source of income (child support) every month. Thats why they want to keep me around. That's always been the reason. Because that extra 500 a month gives them access to dinners at expensive resturaunts. I never want to feel like i didnt live my life.

2003-10-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

i think i have some sort of weird social disorder. Josh and i were at Off the Wall Sports tonight with five of his friends. I felt really uncomfortable so i decided to leave. As i was leaving, Josh was called me out.
"Arent you even going to say goodbye to everyone?"
"I dont really know anybody"
wrong answer.
"well they still have names you know"
he made me feel like total shit. i was trying to slip away unnoticed because i felt so out of place there. i might have said two words the entire time. i think im afraid to make a fool out of myself for Josh's sake. i also have no confidence. these guys are all so skinny, i'm afraid that they'll think Josh has a fat girlfriend, or an ugly one, or a stupid one. so i just dont say anything. they dont really aknowledge me, i really dont say much back to them. i can't help that guys around my age make me feel so uncomfortable. they were the kids that always teased me growing up, and now i have this completely backwards view of myself and everything i've become. I know its backwards, but i constantly feel that way and it makes me nuts. i cried all the way home because i felt like such an asshole, and i know i made josh feel like an ass, so i just cried and cried and cried. i dont know why im so painfully shy. i have no idea why i cant just strike up a fun conversation. none of them act like they really care so i just dont talk. i feel like they dont care because im not attractive or something. i must be having a bad day.. im going to bed.

2003-10-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

Be objective.

2003-10-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

I wrote a poem for a scholarship contest tonight. I wasn't given a topic, so i just kind of sat down withmyself and here's what i came up with:

He plays patty-cake by himself in a room full of shadows.
The dry brush of flesh echoes on the naked walls.
In his head, a movie reel of images flashes before his eyes.
He remembers her leaving,
But can’t remember where she was going.

His hands drop to his sides, where they fidget nervously.
He draws circles in the dust, a mouse joins his company.
The movie pauses, and he holds his breath in anticipation.
His stomach growls,
But he can’t remember the last time he ate.

She beckons him to her, and he rises from the dirt caked floor.
Slowly he shuffles his feet towards her.
Reaching out, he grasps only the cold air.
She’s been gone too long,
But he can’t remember the last time he touched her.

The movie stops, and brown eyes blink.
Shaggy hair falls down into his face.
He curls into the corner, wrapped in his abandonment.
The door opens and light floods into the room,
But a figure unlike her's fills the darkness.

2003-10-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

So the SATs went ok saturday. Lisa and I passed the time inbetween tests by playing rock paper scissor. BIG BUNNY AND BIG KITTY EAT SMALLER ANIMALS! MEOW!!
Anyway, afterwards we went to Krispey Kreme. I ate three donuts myself, which is really unlike me, and then I bought four to take to Josh, because he's a minion of the Kreme as well. Went home, changed, went over to Josh's. We at TV dinners because we're poor/lazy, and afterwards we mealed on some sour cream and onion ruffles. (This becomes important later!)
So around midnight we drive to Off the Wall Sports. We watched Josh's friends run around like morons, and then we JUMP ON TRAMPOLINES!! We were being really stupid and Josh had a video camera. So we were like "yay! Girls jumping on trampolines!!!" (The Man Show). He threw me into the foam pit in a fit of masculine rage. Not really, but he wanted to make his friends laugh by making me squeal, which I'm used to. He picked me up and instead of holding on to him, I went completely limp, which didnt help the fact that he wanted to launch me into the foam pit, so he just chucked me a few feet. Reguardless, it was a fun time. On the way home we went to Buy Low, because we wanted to buy some french onion dip with chips. We decided we needed to do the entire onion flavored chip thing the RIGHT way. So at 3am we buy two bags of chips and two different kinds of dip, we go home and play video games, and then we go to bed!
So my phone rings at 9:45, and its John, telling me that he's going to be late for breakfast, which was fortunate because Josh and I weren't even awake yet. But we get up and get dressed, and meet John and Lisa at Golden Corral. And yes, there were TONS of old people there! We ate way too much food and we talked for way too long, but it's all good. I want my friends to know the guy I love the way that I do. So afterwards we went to Target, which was funny because we didn't get a shower that morning and I'm sure we smelled terrible, but at least we brushed our teeth! Because french onion dip is funky in the morning.
I made Josh go to Englebrecht Orchards today, which was fun because he had never been. We picked out two pumpkins and bought some apple cider. Then we went home and took a nap, because we're getting old and can't run like we used to be able to. (ha ha). I carved the MOST SPECIAL cat pumpkin EVER, and of course, Josh carved a little batman emblem in his. They are very special pumpkins because we are very special people. Then we baked pumpkin seeds, and after eating 5 or so that werent quite cooked, we decided to just finish them later. Josh had to get over to Sanfran's house, because he kept paging him, and he was drinking an entire pitcher of Margaritas, so he couldnt exactly drive, not that he really wanted to.
But yeah, carving pumpkins was fun and exciting, and I'm really happy that Josh is participating in holidays this year. Last year I couldn't get him to carve a pumpkin with me to save his life. He says he hates holidays because they're pointless and they only give him an excuse to be lonely. He says he ends up being alone every single Christmas, but of course I didnt let him sit alone last Thanksgiving or Christmas. Anyway, I asked him if he wanted to setup a Christmas tree this year, and he said "Maybe..." Which is better than the "I hate Christmas" I got last year.
I looooove holidays, and I loooooove making other people loooooove holidays. =D

2003-10-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

I have Better Man, by Pearl Jam looping on my winamp playlist. I think it's been looping like that for several days. I can't even remember anymore.
I don't lie and say that I'm in love with him, because I do love him, but its true that I can't find a better man.
Here's where the impending doom feeling comes in.
Maybe I'll sleep on it, and tomorrow will be a new day. Or perhaps tomorrow will be a day exactly like today. Yes, perhaps.

2003-10-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today has been a fun filled day.
At 10:30 my mom picked me up at school, and we went down to the fall festival to meet our out of state cousins for lunch. It was butt-ass hot down there today. I took off my jacket and put my hair up, and I think I would have shriveled without my sunglasses.
I bitched and moaned the entire time I was down there. The fall festival just doesnt have the same allure it used to. I don't even like to eat greasy food anymore.
So I ran into Hardees to check out the bathroom, then I ran back outside to get my clothes. I changed clothes in the bathroom and immerged with a grey pair of pants and a creamy floral spaghetti strap shirt. I put my big long socks on in the car and my hooker boots, and the entire time a sheriff was sitting behind my car. I kept waiting for him to come up to me and ask me who I was planning to whore myself out to.
Anyway, I covered myself up properly and went to Misty's funeral. I'm so tired of going to funerals. This was the sixth one since February. There's been way too much heart ache this year, so next year has to be much better. I gave my mom specific instructions for my funeral, and she just told me not to talk like that, but I keep having this feeling that I'm going to die young and not be able to achieve my dreams. I told her that if I die, I want to be cremated, I dont want the 23rd psalms read at my funeral, and I want her to go through my cell phone and call each person in my phone book and tell them what happened, because I have close friends at three different schools and all across the country.
My biggest fear is that I or Josh would die, and nobody would even think to tell the other. He or I would find out three weeks later that our beloved died, because nobody would even say a word. I have a real problem with closure, which is probably why I never cry at funerals. I was really sick with stomach flu when a close friend of mine killed herself. I was never able to properly say goodbye to her, and I haven't cried at a funeral since. Hum =So I finally went to the doctor today, and apparently I have an upper respiratory infection along with some allergies. Killing two birds with one stone. He asked me if "any of my boyfriends were showing symptoms." When I told him no, he said "Really? Not one?"
Thank you Dr. Meyer for making me feel like a hooker. But yeah, I got some medicine and maybe I'll live, or maybe this will be the end to my impending doom.
Went over to Josh's today, sat in the parking lot while he went in Walmart. We drove all around looking for a place that sold individual ice cream bars, went back home and he played video games while I slept on the couch. I just over all feel really weak today. My legs are bothering me because I havent been on the treadmill in almost a week.
Oh, there was a really pretty caterpillar at the funeral today, but somebody stepped on him. =( He was like three inches long and as thick as a nickel is round. The biggest caterpillar I've ever seen. My mom goes "Maybe he's an exotic caterpillar! FROM AFRICA!!!" Sure mom, right here in St. Joseph's cemetary. Right over there next to Jesus. HEY MAYBE THEY'RE FRIENDS!!!!

2003-10-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

My mom and I watched football tonight.
Not because we like the sport, but because we like the BUTTS.

Mom: Number 21 has a nice butt.
Me: Woooo baby.

2003-09-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, people are ugly, and I cry.
But, it isn't because I'm mean.
I just really fear for small children.

2003-09-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

My eyeball is twitching. That's moderately interesting.
So I spent the evening recording a nifty new phrase for my voice mail, as I've had my phone for almost two years and NEVER had voice mail service. This sudden change makes me excited and almost giddy, so yeah.

I need to share this with you guys because it's really special. http://www.personal.psu.edu/users/w/c/wcd112/c-song.swf
It just makes me crack up times a million.

So I've decided today that I am indeed a terrible person, that I am indeed going to get my ass beat some day, and I am indeed going to hell for all the wrongs I've brought onto the lives of fellow students. However, I'm working on issues one and two, but the entire going to hell thing isn't going to change, because lets face it, I'm a heathen.
I've been working for many months with the inner strength and guiding light thing, and I think that the recent change of seasons would be a good time to take advantage of my inner spirit and direct my mind in the right direction. I don't want to exist in a two-faced world. I think half of the reason that I am becoming two-faced stems from the fact that 99.999% of the world is two-faced, and I finally think that my survival skills/paranoia are kicking in. Reguardless, gossip is a dirty habit like smoking, so I need to just go cold turkey and drop it all together. I want to be a better person in all shapes and forms, and I don't want some petty high school gossip to get in the way, just because thirty billion some odd people think somebody's pink streaked hair is ugly. I actually thought it looked better than usual today.

2003-09-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

I was comatose last night. Slept 13 hours. And during this time, I lost my fucking earring! I put Josh on earring alert, but he's so absent minded he'll probably roll over and suck it up his nose in his sleep.
This is alright, as I have backup earrings, but still, I really liked those earrings. A really really lot.
Ok so today was the perfect fall day. Drove around all day, and I swear to god we must have spent an hour in the toy isle at target. BOTH TARGETS. It's about 7pm and neither one of us has had anything to eat. "Come on Josh, let's go get some food. There's nothing here you didn't see at the other Target."
"Yes there is!"
"Okay, show me one thing."
He stood there for a good five minutes.
"Dunno."
"Alright, come on then."
I held out my hand and drug him from the toy isle. I swear he's a 12 year old boy trapped inside a man's body, but that just makes him love me even more, although he swears up and down that I try not to.
Also bought a digital camera that doubles as a web cam. I was so psyched when I got home to test it out, but alas, my room is too dark and it projects a grayish blob on the screen. Dont worry, I won't let bad lighting defeat my cause, but by god it's going to piss me off.
Going to Indianapolis next weekend to go to the zoo. Zoo = Josh's idea. I suggested Garden of the Gods, but Mr. twelve years old wants to look at furry animals, which I'm pretty sure he picked the zoo for me because he knows I enjoy furry animals 100 times more than he does. I'm pretty sure however, that we both enjoy the aquarium up there 1000 times more than furry animals, because there's just something about being face to face with a three foot fish. =D

2003-09-27T00:09:00.000-07:00

Ok so the Lotus festival was stupid, with a capital S. Perhaps I'm just old and grumpy, but the overall fun level was about 0%. I wish our little group could have just been the ones to go and organize the night. About the most fun I had was when we were all sitting around the table at the pizzaria talking. I love you guys.

Ok, speaking of stupid with a capital S, I just told my step dad that I'm not taking the ACT tomorrow, because I'm only going to get 4 hours of sleep, because I have to get up at 6 and get a shower. He looks at me and goes "Why do you need a shower?" I have him a look like he just fell from the sky and I said "Excuse me? Did you really just ask me that? I walk around in a dirty city for 14 hours while its raining in a big hoody and you wonder why I need a shower?"

He also told me that I should take the ACT. I said I'm not going to get four hours of sleep so I can wake up at 6am, drive half an hour across town, and sit in a stuffy room for six hours and take a test I know I'm going to fail. He goes "It isnt about passing, its about practicing."

Yeah fucking right. I play for keeps. I'm going to bed.

2003-09-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

I suppose cutting the fat off my body with a filet knife would leave a nasty scar, wouldnt it?
This battle of the buldge thing is really starting to piss me off. I havent lost any weight in the longest time and quite frankly it has me so upset that I just want to eat about five boxes of twinkies. Granted that eating five boxes of twinkies wont help the original problem, but the short term effects would make me happy.
Speaking of twinkies, I had a pity party so big today, that I should have written a guest list and baked a fucking cake. I tried on some pants while I was out shopping for a black hoodie (that's all I wanted, and I swear to god, nazis have restricted the sales of black hoodies) and needless to say, my gigantic tree trunk legs didnt fit into them. Sure I could get them buttoned and what not, but I looked like a potato shoved into my jeans. That image made me realize how incredibly afraid I am of fat, and how incredibly afraid I am of being fat and or ugly. So, I immediately drove home and just about cried myself silly the entire way there. When I got home, mom asked a million questions and I ended up crying all over her too. "Mom I have a big fat ass, and my nose is ugly, and my chin points out because my teeth arent aligned right (this is a scientific fact) and my ears stick out from my head, and I pissed away my entire highschool career and now I can't go back and fix it and I'll be forced to work m inimum wage at a retail craft store for the rest of my fucking pathetic life!"

I cried, and cried and cried. And then I probably cried some more. Then I ate some chocolate. Thank god for moms.

But yeah, in the mix of everything, I've just decided that I should keep doing what I'm doing, although I watch what I eat like a hawk and walk two miles a day, but still I havent lost any weight in almost a month, and I feel like a moose or a cow or whatever. I feel completely hideous and unattractive, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy with myself, or if perhaps I've just completely warped the image I have of myself, and will forever hate the person I have become.

I sure hope not.

2003-09-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

http://www.scusack.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/files/badger.swf

Mushrooms! MUSHROOMS!

2003-08-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

How lovely it would be
To pretend
To be someone other than me.

2003-08-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so very tired, and so very thoughtful.
His love and commitment to our relationship amazes me everyday. Four months ago he and I lived in completely seperate worlds. Now I'm working hard to save money for the home I hope to share with him one day. He and I haven't discussed such matters yet, but we seem to be gradually leaning in that direction. With the eve of my 18th birthday drawing near, It will be hard to resist the temptation to leave our oppression; to run away, and never look back.
(Written last night after a feud with my parents:)

I wish we really could run away;
You and me.
And live in a little house that sits on the beach.
With quiet walls and lovely open embraces.
Away from this mess that we’ve all created.
Away from the people who taunt our life
Away from the secret we’ve hidden.
Start a new life; Far away.
All we need is each other.

2003-08-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

Emily, I think I'm becoming ice queen in training.
What happened over the summer? I have fucking no patience for anybody. Every little freshman (or underclassman) that gets in my way better moooooooooooooveeeee the fuck over. Because as far as I'm concerned, games are over, and its diploma time, and I sure as hell dont have time to waste on freshman blocking up the door because they're playing "flirty" games. Get the fuck inside the building. And when I call you children, it isnt an insult. You ARE children. Bastards.

2003-07-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

Woke up with a 102 temperature this morning, been feelin kinda shitty. Called into work. Luckily for me I have thursday off. So that way I know at least I won't get fired? Yeah, this is the last thing I need. Someone hand me those 50 bottles of prescription pain pills. I'm through.

2003-07-29T21:04:00.000-07:00

My foot was the innocent victim.

Dusty: *dot, dot, line*
Dusty: You've got happy feet!
Me: ::smacks face::

2003-07-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

Excited, excited, I'm really fucking excited! A trip to garden of the god's and a turtle terrarium! THIS MUST BE LOVE.

2003-07-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

You are a Parisian.

What's your Inner European?
brought to you by Quizilla

Croissant anyone?

2003-07-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

Today has been full of humanity hating. First I worked a retarded shift of 10-4, my mom and I argued over the purchase of paintbrushes, and I basically worked my stupid ass off. When I got off work, I was full prepared to take the birthday boy his birthday presents, but as luck has it, my engine light came on. I made a U-turn and went to Dusty's. He drug me out to Great Wall, where I regrettedly stuffed my face with Chinese food. It's so good, I cant stand it. Then we went to the $2 movies. Saw Holes. It wasnt something I'd want to see again, although it was cute and I could stomach it for the minute. Searched for a bouncy ball. We went to Elliots house (we saw him at the theatre), and they were grilling out. It was fucking hot. Birthday boy called and we made plans for tomorrow. Cookies, yay. We went inside, my headache grew more severe, seeing as it was hotter inside than it was outside. Dusty and I left, went back to his house. I got in my car and drove off. Head pounding, uterus cramping, oh yes the whole nine yards. Minding my own business, and BAM!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!! First thought: Water balloon. Fucking bastards. Instant hysteria. I call my mom, leave a five minute message of scared and hysterical whining. She finally picks up and alerts me that she is on her way! Hark! I need to call 911 because I cant see the damage on my car. Police assistance please. So my mom arrives first, then the officer, and we're told to pull into the nearest subdivision. The Sherrif is young (and hot) and he comes up to my car with his big trusty flashlight, to examine the car. He concludes that it isnt a water balloon, but appears to be from a can of cherry coke, or other cherry flavored beverage. The stupid bastard threw a coke can out the window. What the fuck is wrong with people? So I went to the car wash, because the entire front end of my car was STICKY! And low and behold, there are three gigantic scratches on the hood of my car, and the windshield wiper was bent in two. Popped right off. I fucking hate people. All of the stupid fucks who are inconsiderate to the environment and the people that they share it with. If it wouldnt have hit my car, it still would have been left to rot in a ditch, which I'm sure is where it is now, because when it hit my car, it sure as hell didnt save the whales.

2003-06-30T22:49:00.000-07:00

Jesus Christ I'm so stressed. My parents are going out of town tomorrow night. XBOX party! >:D This should be extremely extremely interesting. Getting off work at 9, ordering pizza, coming home to two fun guys and an Xbox. Gonna light shit on fire. yay. Not really hyped about working tomorrow, but I guess I'll get over it. I'd like to lose about 5 more lbs and then I'll be ready for school to start. =D

2003-06-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

You are Ashley! You rock, your a bitch and good at
it. And on top of all that, your Dusty's best
friend! Life is good!

Which Evansville Diva Are You?!>
brought to you by Quizilla

Me, myself, and I, and the purse on my head. God I'm sexy.

2003-06-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

I swear to god, everytime I go to Barnes and Noble, I get naseous. Maybe its the air quality?! The coffee smells? The aroma of semi dusty books?! I have no idea, but I keep getting sick. Then again, it might just be this god forsaken headache that I've had for the past three days, and on and off for weeks. bleh bleh bleh.

2003-06-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting night last night! Cleaning at 1am. It was fun, I PROMISE! He was mad because I didnt want the white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. SORRY HONEY IM ON A DIET! COOKIES = BAD! Oh and I'm cleaning again today! THROWING SHIT OUT! Hurray! Maybe I can start painting some day! hur hur.

2003-06-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

Well, Bianca, Liza and I went to see "How to lose a man in 10 days." It wasnt particularly a cuddly movie, and I didnt much care for it, however it was nice to see both of them and to get out of the house! AND TO DRIVE! Holy manoly my back is being a turd. I actually drove after waiting 7 some odd hours for the pain killers to wear off, and surprisingly, no pain! EVEN NOW! OMG I SHOULD MAKE AN INFOMERCIAL!!!! Then again, I'd be the one watching it at 3am. =( Sigh.

2003-06-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

Ooblah ooblah! muahahaha. ow, my back hurts. =(

2003-06-12T23:57:00.000-07:00

Congrats! You're Christie Masters!You know you're
better then everyone else and you let them
know! You put people down and publicly
embarrass them and you love every second of it.
You're always the center of attention and
that's the way it should be. The world revolves
around you and you're really
materialistic....WAY TO GO BITCH!

Which Romy and Michelle Character are you??
brought to you by Quizilla

I think I pressed the wrong button. =(

2003-06-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

yarda yarda yarda. test test test.